You’re about to take a journey through the inside of my mind. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I hope you like what I’ve done with the place.
To the left you’ll find a bunch of old MySpace HTML codes, Spice Girls song lyrics and a play-by-play of every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done (they like to come to the surface at 2am whenever I’m trying to fall asleep). To the right, just over there, is my “no thoughts, just vibes” room – a space reserved for zero memory retention. It’s a place I like to visit whenever I try to think of a recipe or remember someone’s name immediately after meeting them.
Down the hallway, you’ll find a shrine containing some of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on the internet, curated from my years of being online. Here are 10 of those things. Godspeed.
1. Extreme ironing
I first discovered the art of extreme ironing back in 2017, when I came across some pictures of people ironing in various intriguing locations, like underwater, on canoes or atop mountain lookouts. As someone who a) hates ironing and b) engages in activities that aren’t considered extreme (napping all day), I’m in awe of their dedication to the craft. (For further reading, check out the history of the Extreme Iron world championships – riveting stuff.)
2. Art restoration fails
I derive great pleasure from art restoration fails, because I am a sick and twisted being. Thankfully, for my sick and twisted soul, there are many out there on the internet. This one is my favourite.
3. ‘But he’s gay’
This moment will go down in television history as one of the most wondrous on-air bloopers of all time. “But he’s gay,” the anchor begins, before realising the error of her ways, and pivoting. “I mean, he’s gay, excuse me … he’s blind.” She really Dua Lipa-ed and “did a full 180” on this one. Whiplash. I return to this priceless gem thrice a year.
4. Hobby horse riding
Here, my dear friends, you’ll find footage of the annual hobby horse riding championships in Finland from 2017. While galloping on hobby horses, competitors engage in dressage and show jumping, with a ferocity that one can’t help but be enamoured of. I cannot express how much joy hobby horse riding gives me. I hope to follow in their footsteps one day. Clop clop.
Occasionally, I’ll come across something on the internet that epitomises my very existence in a matter of seconds; Ava is one of these instances. Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance on the television? The matted pink wig? That swift swivel to reveal a look of disgust at being interrupted? Ava is not only a mood, she is the mood. Ava is you, Ava is me, Ava is all of us.
The rise of “yassification” in 2021 – thanks to @YassifyBot and its use of extreme Facetuning to give any and every picture a gorgeous smoky eye and airbrushed complexion – also fills me with immense of joy.
7. Voice reveals
The juxtaposition between player one deepening his voice in a bid to sound as sexy as possible and player two sounding like a mythical troll mid-exorcism had me hunched in the foetal position for approximately 35 seconds. I then sat back up and resumed my day.
8. Toy drama
@Sylvaniandrama has amassed an army of loyal followers on TikTok for using Sylvanian Families toys to construct dark and twisted storylines (think lots of drugs, alcoholism and murder to the score of a cute Taylor Swift song). I am one of those loyal followers.
9. Stop being horny. Find Jesus
A Twitter account that lectures its followers on masturbation, horniness and Jesus? Delightful.
10. The Chanel multiverse
A woman loses her parrot, an African Grey by the name of Chanel, who flies towards a canal. The internet then holds a candlelight vigil, spawning a number of sassy Twitter accounts from the perspective of Chanel and her love for the canal. Chanel ultimately becomes the heralded princess of the internet, and the woman’s cries are turned into several underrated club remixes. Need I say more? It’s the gift that keeps on giving. The Chanel saga was arguably the saving grace of 2020. God bless Chanel, and God bless the internet.