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Trevor Noah on Uvalde cops: ‘What were they waiting for? The invincible star from Mario?’ | Late-night TV roundup

Trevor Noah

In the month since the shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas killed 19 children and two adults, revelations about the police response to the crisis have led to public outcry and a Texas safety chief to call the operation an “abject failure”. “This story keeps getting worse and worse,” said Trevor Noah on Tuesday’s Daily Show. “Every single time we learn something, it gets worse and worse.”

The Uvalde police had assault riffles, body armor, AND ballistic shields.

What else were they waiting for? The invincible star from Mario?

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) June 22, 2022

“We already knew that they waited far too long to confront the shooter,” he said, referring to the 70 minutes officers spent waiting before they stormed the classroom where the shooter was hiding out. “But now we found out that they lied about not having enough weapons to go in.” The officers had assault rifles, body armor and ballistic shields, “so I’m sorry, what else were they waiting for? The invincible star from Mario?” Noah wondered. “How do you not go in?”

Uvalde police also didn’t try to get into the classroom. The department previously stated that officers had to wait for a key because the door was locked, but the Texas public safety director announced on Tuesday that the door was never locked. “They just never tried to open it?” Noah fumed. “Which is ridiculous. Even people waiting outside like a locked bathroom at Starbucks will jiggle the handle after like two minutes, just to be sure sure.

“But it turns out these cops couldn’t do what the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park took five minutes to learn.”

The tragic irony, Noah continued, was that “the one time it would’ve been appropriate to go in guns blazing, the cops decide to have a picnic outside. But if you’re black, or you have a broken tail light, then all of a sudden they go full Rambo on your ass.

“It’s another reminder that you can’t just trust what the police say,” he concluded. “Yes, they’re police. Yes, you respect them. But it doesn’t mean that you trust every single thing they say after an incident.

“What we have learned is that cops in America, they basically use the same principle as toddlers: they’ll tell the truth, but only if it doesn’t get them in trouble.”

Stephen Colbert

On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert recapped the third public hearing by the January 6 House select committee, in which Representative Liz Cheney spoke directly to the at-home audience: “Don’t be distracted by politics. This is serious. We cannot let America become a nation of conspiracy theories and thug violence.”

“It’s true, because if we do, the reptilians who run the new world order will steal our spines to use as radio towers to broadcast our location to Bill Gates,” Colbert joked.

On Tuesday, the committee heard from the Georgia secretary of state, Brad Raffensperger, whom Trump berated in the aftermath of the 2020 election on an hour-long phone call in which he asked him to overturn the results. “So what are we going to do here, folks? I only need 11,000 votes. Give me a break,” Trump said.

“That is just pathetic,” said Colbert. “He’s literally begging them to invent votes for him. It’s like watching an old man try to mooch an extra pancake at the Denny’s – ‘what are we doing here, folks? I only need one more pancake, fellas. And then I got a grand slam. Just flap some jacks on there, give me a break. Give me a break – and the state of Georgia.’”

The committee also produced text messages between a Pence aide and an aide to Senator Ron Johnson in which the two discuss a list of potential fake electors. “What jumped out to me when I saw it this afternoon was that the treasonous text chain started simply with ‘sup?’” said Colbert. “Pretty chill way to overthrow democracy. ‘Sup? OMG, let’s totes seat altern8 electors for the lolz!’”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers touched on a new interview from former vice-president Mike Pence, in which he said that following the January 6 attack on the Capitol, he and Trump “talked through it” and then “rolled our sleeves up and finished working together”.

“I don’t buy it,” said Meyers. “The only way Trump ever rolled his sleeves up was to sell a fake Rolex.”

Pence also said he would always be proud to have served with Trump, “because in the end, there is no bond stronger than Stockholm syndrome”, Meyers quipped.

Trump, meanwhile, said that he hasn’t asked Florida governor Ron DeSantis if he is running for president in 2024, but thinks he would would defeat him. “Well there’s only one way to find out,” said Meyers, “a long, nasty, drawn-out primary season where you two guys are both emotionally and politically eviscerated, debating each other’s last brain cell into the ground, destroying the Republican party and everything you stand for until there is only one husk of a man left standing in the GOP to actually run in the election: Jeb!

“A rare round of applause for Jeb,” he said over a photo of the younger Bush brother whose campaign tanked early in the 2016 GOP primary.

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